There’s a trendy Facebook post going around right now called the Bucket List. It’s a list of lots of somewhat exotic activities, and you are to put an X next to the ones you’ve done and post it as your status. I imagine that there is the obligatory request to tag a billion of your friends in the original post, but like the geniuses they are my friends have skipped this part.
I decided, in a what the hell kind of moment, to do the list, but as I worked my way through it I realized some of the items needed some annotation from me. So here is my Not Actually My Bucket List But A List of Things Some People Do During Their Lives, with notes.
X Shot a gun. I have done this on two occasions. The first was the day of my mom’s funeral, when my cousin thought taking my brother and me to a shooting range would be cathartic. The second was at our next door neighbor’s birthday party.
Gone on a blind date. I have done very little dating in my life, let alone anything as exotic as blind dating. I think I would have passed out from nerves.
X Skipped school. My mom would sometimes let us take “mental health days” while we were growing up, and I extended this policy to myself during college and grad school. Although they were sometimes more accurately called “super fucking hungover days” at that point.
X Watched someone die. I was with my mom when she took her last breath, although I was too panicked and scared to hold her hand for it.
X Visited Canada. High school choir field trip y’all! My family also went to Niagara Falls where my favorite things were riding the Maid of the Mist and going to the Ripley’s Believe It or not Museum because I love hokey shit like that.
Visited Hawaii. Visited Alaska. Putting these two together because although I haven’t been, I fully intend on visiting both at some point.
Visited Cuba. Keeping this separate because I don’t have a strong interest in visiting. As someone with limited funds and vacation time, I have a travel prioritization list, and sadly Cuba, you haven’t cracked the Top 10 yet. No offense.
X Visited Europe. I wish there was a half an X I could make with a keyboard. I would put it next to this one. I have been to a handful of cities around the Mediterranean as part of my honeymoon after my first marriage. They were all gorgeous and amazing and I would love to go back. And I have a lot of places in Europe I want to visit – which is why you aren’t in my Top 10 list, Cuba. Sorry again.
Visited South America. Visited Asia. Visited Africa. Nope. And there’s no point in going to Africa now that Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard made the video I wanted to make about visiting there.
X Visited Las Vegas. I miss these annual trips! We used to go with a great group of people in the summers. R and I got married there!
X Visited Central America. This one is again a half X technicality. I’ve been on a cruise ship that stopped in Belize but I didn’t even get my ass off the boat. It looked pretty though.
X Visited Florida. My dad took us for the first time when I was in 8th grade. We went to Disney World and that trip remains one of the most magical trips of my life. Later, my brother was living there for a while, so Christmas was going to Disney and one of the many many restaurants that were open on Christmas Day. For someone who grew up in a place where the world shut down on Christmas Eve at 5pm, this was so weird. We’ve also sailed out of Port Canaveral and Miami on a couple of cruises. And I had a memorable Spring Break trip in Panama City my senior year of college. Although some truly bizarre, scary, weird shit happens in Florida, it is a nice place to visit.
Seen the Grand Canyon in person. There is a very dirty joke to be made here.
X Flown in a plane. In fact I fly so much I think I’ll volunteer to run the drink cart next time. Mostly because of the number of tiny booze bottles I could hide in my bra.
Served on a jury. I was called but the case ended before the jury was required. Sigh. I’d love to do this.
X Been lost. Not sure if this means physically, spiritually, or just in regards to what chore to do next, but yes, all of the above.
X Traveled to the opposite side of the country. Not precisely sure how this would be calculated from my current location, but as I’ve been to all the edges of the country, I’m gonna say yes.
X Visited Washington, DC. I love DC. The museums, the culture, even the Metro. DC is a city I could see myself living near. Not in, as I do not have the necessary personal wealth, but near. The first time I went to DC was on my first airplane ride around the age of 8 when I accompanied my mom to her stepdad’s funeral. His wife had to be sedated to stop her from throwing herself on the casket and screaming about how science had taken his eyes. My subsequent trips have been heavier on the fun and lighter on the funeral dramatics I am happy to say.
X Swam in the ocean. I did not see any ocean until the Panama City spring break trip I mentioned. Our first night there we went dashing out to the beach to walk around in the surf, by which I mean we started stripping off clothes and wandering around in the waves. Even though there was a tide warning because there had been storms in the area. Ah, college!
Played cops and robbers. Played cowboys and Indians. I do not remember ever playing either of these games. Although I did have my own game where I picked these weeds in our yard that looked a bit like wheat and collected them and added water and pretended to make bread like a settler. And yes I did so have friends.
X Recently colored with crayons. And you should too!
X Sang karaoke. In general, I do not do karaoke. But sometimes you are drunk on a cruise ship or at your bachelorette party or at a creative thinking retreat in a small New England town and a firefighter picks you up and puts you on a pool table and tells you to sing Shania Twain.
Sang a solo or duet in church. Where now? I actually probably would have done this during grade school, but since I wasn’t Catholic, but attended a Catholic grade school, I wasn’t allowed to join the group that performed at church.
Paid for a meal with coins only. This would require me to be organized enough with my pocket change to have it with me and counted and ready to pay.
X Made prank phone calls. At a slumber party at my best grade school friend’s house we were exchanging prank calls with boys and somehow talked my dad into calling them and pretending to be a police officer and telling them to leave us alone.
X Laughed until some beverage came out of your nose. This happens to me regularly. My life is blessed with laughter. Least painful to most painful: water, Diet Coke, milkshake, champagne, Four Horsemen.
X Caught a snowflake on your tongue. Only monsters haven’t done this. Not that I have an opinion.
X Had children. And I tell her every day how lucky I am to be her mommy.
X Had a pet. I actually don’t think there has ever been a time in my life when I haven’t had a pet, which is awesome.
Been skinny-dipping. Not the full monty.
X Been fishing. We used to fish with my Grandpa on Kentucky Lake. I caught a cat fish once and cried until they put it in a bucket and let it swim around. We also fished a bit when I was a teen, and during one of those trips my mom caught a snapping turtle. I recommend not doing that.
X Been boating. On one of our summer trips to Kentucky we were out on a pontoon boat in the middle of the lake when the boat broke down. My brother was wearing a tremendously fluorescent baseball cap that we used to attract the attention of a nearby boat. Bad fashion saves the day!
X Been downhill skiing. I went down a bunny hill twice, and the next most challenging hill once. I did this only because the guy I was dating at the time was a ski instructor, and we had only been on a couple of dates so I was still trying to impress him with how interesting I was instead of admitting that the idea of skiing terrifies me and I’d much rather be sitting in the lodge drinking alcoholic hot chocolate.
Been water skiing. I think this is even more terrifying than downhill skiing.
Been camping in a trailer/RV. Been camping in a tent. My one and only camping experience was with my Girl Scout troop in grade school, and it was more Camp Beverly Hills than camping.
Driven a motorcycle. Never driven, but I love being a passenger!
Been bungee jumping. No. No no no. Nope. Nope. No.
X Gone to a drive-in movie. This is, in my opinion, the best way to see a movie.
X Done something that could have killed you. For me, this includes walking, so yes.
X Rode an elephant. Rode a camel. At the zoo. Don’t go thinking I’m some awesome world traveler now, guys.
X Eaten just cookies, cake, or ice cream for dinner. See: college.
Been on TV. Not to my knowledge. If I have been, please let me know.
Stolen any traffic signs. No – not only is this a crime, it’s a lame crime.
X Donated blood. I try to do this whenever I can, and you should too!
X Gotten a piercing. Do ears count? Then yes.
X Gotten a tattoo. I have three so far.
Gone off road 4 wheeling. Ever owned your dream car. No, and owning a chauffeured limo with a champagne bar will not help me go 4 wheeling.
X Been married. Took me two tries to get it right.
X Fell in love. And I’ve been so grateful.
Paid for a stranger’s meal. The only time it occurred to me to do this I heard the person in front of me in line (my intended target) placing an order for his entire office. I’m generous, but not rich, and subsidizing donuts for an accounting firm isn’t exactly the point of paying for a stranger’s meal.
X Driven over 100 mph. When my grandma moved in with my dad, my then boyfriend and then best friend rented a car to drive down to her place to pick up her car for me to use. The rental car was this huge boat of a sedan, and I accidentally got it up to 120 without even noticing.
Been scuba diving. This is R’s department. They tend to want you to know how to swim in order to do this.
X Written a published book/story/poem. YOU’RE READING IT, SUCKERS. HAHAHHAHAHHA.
X Eaten snails. And it was a one time thing.
X Ridden in a Hot Air Balloon. R took me on a hot air balloon ride in Vegas as a Valentine’s Day gift one year. We got to help prep the balloon, help launch it, and help throw golf balls onto a putting green from the basket. The golfers did not appreciate that.
Rode in a helicopter. Perhaps I can take one to look at the Grand Canyon in person, and finally think of the right dirty joke to be made about that.
X Met a celebrity. I have walked straight into both Fiona Apple and Busta Rhymes. And I was in a play with Corky from Life Goes On.
So that’s me – 37 out of 64. I can’t see that number climbing drastically, as except for some of the travel things I don’t plan on adding many of these experiences. But it was a fun list just because of all the stories it reminded me of from my life. So thanks, Not My Bucket List for a fun walk down memory lane. Now off to spend the rest of my day thinking about the best dirty joke about seeing the Grand Canyon.